Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Just thoughts (or Thoughts alone)

 When was the last time I was alone? Probably it was in my home country, having long-distance relationships with my husband-to-be thousands miles away. Of course that shouldn't be qualified as being alone in a common sense. But for me being alone means
all bunch of stuff: to support yourself alone, to think about your own 1 person dinners, to put dishwasher, because nobody will do it for you, to spend time as you want without discussing and making plans with significant other. I can go like this till the sunrise. 
      The interesting thing is when I married my husband and made a decision to become an expat wife, I didn't realize that my last day at my home country, was basically the last day alone by myself. As we don't have any relatives and hadn't any long time friends here, we started to build our new world. This world is only for us. There is no baggage here. No influence of long-lasting friendships or used burden of family values. Your past cannot catch you off-guard like that on the street. Very often I am thinking how great is moving not to the country of your spouse, but to completely new place for you both. Fresh start as they say, But maybe it is only my feeling, that we are not in this alone by ourselves. 
     Many thoughts come through my crazy head at this night hour on the first day of being alone as my partner went to the business trip. Am I feeling lonely? Am I missing his company? Do I want to share every good and bad thing happening with me during the day with him? The good thing is that I am still a woman and can combine all these feelings  at the same time with the important feeling of being alone. Saying "alone"- meaning "by myself", pronouncing "just me"- thinking "only me". 
    Being the wife became an important part of my life. I am not just me. I carry so many roles everyday. How important it is for me to stop for a while and be just alone with my thoughts. Am I at the place I want to be right now? Have I grown up enough to make smart choices? Which influence do I make everyday? Do I make any difference at all? Not us, not family, not that foreign couple who speak with funny accents? I, me, myself? And finally am I proud of myself?
     There is no happy or sad thoughts. They are just thoughts. Would I wake up tomorrow as usual and start doing my routine? Sure, as everybody I will. Will these thoughts make me any better? I tend to think that the more I think the better I realize the value of my life. Or at least I hope for that. 
Talking alone- meaning "about myself", thinking "just me"- knowing "only me".